Journal of a Dré

I just woke up. I had a dream that was so real, with a prospect so terryifiing I simply have to record it somewhere, so here it is:

Really it was more of a nightmare I'm so glad to have waken from it. I've taken some rough notes on a pad, because I know just how quick all the memories and poignant imagery from a dream can fade away. I'm gonna write my memories from the dream in a very rough manner, and I might edit this later. For now you'll just have to try and make sense of it.

The following is an account of a dream/nightmare:

I remember shooting some timelapse with my camera, but the details on that were fuzzy. I know that I used some experimental strobe/flash techniques with lighting, which plays an important part. I also witnessed a pro film being shot in the city I was in, but the relevance of that seems small.

It turns out that due to the specific way I had experimented with various techniques during my film making / time lapse shooting I had caused some sort of problem with my self. My brain would not function properly any more. Call it a mental illness if you like. I don't remember being diagnosed as such, but there was a building I kept going back to. It had around 100 stories, and was in the middle of a huge city. It seemed to match the size of Rotterdam, and was in a foreign country as well. (possibly holland, as I am more familiar with that county and the Randstad area imparticular) There was a proctol for me to enter the building. I couldn't just walk in, I had to remember a code, or use some special means for access (the details are vague in my memory, as with many aspects of the dream) When I did gain access there was a particular area where I would collect documentation, whether it would be a leaflet relating to my condition or otherwise. I would collect these only once in my dream from what seemed like wall full of pigeon holes. An interesting point is that the wall wasn't huge. Maybe only 20 or 30 slots with names on for people to collect their leaflets ect.

I was told that I musn't watch certain films, as they would enhance the negative effects of my condition, which by the way felt as real as ever. It felt as though it would come and go in stages, and I couldn't really tell whether it was in full effect or not. Nobody really seemed to know what I should do, or really look after me. I felt more alone than I have ever felt before in my life (in the dream, and in the real non-dream world) I kept seeing people I knew such as friends, loved ones, but they just kept walking past me, almost as if they didn't recognise me.

I remember seeing some kids that I had the urge to photograph in the same street fashion, which I often use, but I felt uneasy. Like I now longer knew what I was doing. I approached the kids, and they wore Babycakes clothing. I felt the urge to mention to them that I had done some timelapses (similar in ways to the one I did for Babycakes) and that it had caused me to develop a diagnosed condition, but I ended up not saying a word about it. As if I was ashamed. The photoshoot seemed to start off well, but I don't recall taking a single photo.

I remember sitting on a bench produding from a wall in between some small buildings, which were clustered together in like huts. It was a modern style bench with no back to it, it simply came out from the wall, which reflected the modern style of the city I was in. From this place I could see the building which can be described as non other than my asylum, which I was free to go in and out of. Whilst sitting here on this bench I felt hidden in-between all the little buildings, and quite alone, but I did notice someone not so far away, who appeared for a short time. They spent a brief few moments looking at me. We exchanged glances, although from this distance it was hard to recognise the person, to know if I knew them or not. They they left again as abruptly as they had appeared. The next thing I did was look up at the huge building which was the only place familar to me. It has a very square shape to it. It seemed to tower over me in an almost intimidating way, and this image was strengthened by a very dark moody sky, and surreal sky. The sky was black as it was night, but I could still make out the dark clouds looming in every part of the sky as far as I could see.

I remember finding myself in a room inside 'the building'. it resembled a hospital room, with a bed that was like a hospital bed. I felt somewhat comfortable and safe in this room, and when I looked out of the window the same black clouds from early marked out a sense of doom. amongst the industrial looking cityscape was a cinema screen. An outdoor cinema screen, which had quite obviously been placed so that the people in this very building could watch it. It appeared to be displaying a film, and I felt uneasy about the fact that I had been strongly advised only to watch certain films. I also specifically remember there being a telegraph pole in between the building and the screen, which had a cable running right through my view of the screen. I can't remember whether the relatively short list I was given contained films I could or couldn't watch. I did have this list to hand (which I had retrieved from my pigeon hole) but it seemed to either have no relevance, or it made no sense to me, and that was the last I saw of it. In 'my' room were the usual things, a bed, a sink, a mirror. The room had a very plain, sterile feel to it, adding to that hospital feel. When I had finished looking outside, and looking at my information leaflet I looked in the mirror, and I didn't like what I saw. It didn't approach the mirror for the usual reasons. This time I felt uneasy, like some sort of madness was kicking in. When I looked at myself, what I felt can only be described as terror. Looking into my own eyes was like looking into the shell of what used to be a person. Before I knew it I was in another 'scene'

I was driving down the road, driving on the left hand side, as was appropriate in this foreign country. The car I was driving was unknown, as was my destination. I must have been on what was the equivelant of a B road in the UK. it was a fairly small road, and I can remember feeling as though I was on the outskirts of the same city I was in earlier. Suddenly I felt as though I'd lost control. I'd realised I was going the wrong way, and was about to enter a motorway on the wrong side of the carrigeway. I had noticed signs up indicating that I the slip road was a dead end, but I realised this indicated 'NO ENTRY' and quickly found a way to avoid taking a route that could only lead to disaster.

....

As with many dreams the memories are fuzzy, and some of them hard to recall, but with this dream I am surprised at how much I do actually remember. The images from the dream (the dark sky, the 'building') were all so vivid, not like anything I have remembered for a long time. Except this time I have attempted to document it in a way that will create visual images for the reader (including my self in the future). If I was good at drawing I may even attempt to illustrate my dream, although this may still be possible through photography.

In a way I want to forget the horrible feeling I had in this dream. It was a relief to wake up from. I actually feel lucky to have come away from it seemingly unharmed, and unaffected by it, although I actually had to question my self upon waking, and wonder if there was some embedded truth to the dream that had carried on into reality. Luckly for me it was just a dream, and nothing more (I hope).

something I have always wanted to do is let my dreams inspire imagery. There's something about taking inspiration from the unknown that intrigues me. Where do the images in dreams come from? They are quite specific at times, and the fact that it has come from my own mind is, whilst having no conscious control over it is an interesting concept to work with in my opinion.

I hope that it has been a worthwhile read for any of you who have got this far. I do thank you for sharing an interest in what I find is an interesting subject. I would love to hear your thoughts on this, so please share them. I have been open enough to share this piece of my mind, so please contribute yours. It will make me feel less alone :-)

I need to go and do something silly and fun now to relive this weird feeling in my stomach. I didn't even get dressed. I woke up, thought "this needs to be documented" and whilst starting up my laptop I quickly jotted down every bit of detail I could remember from the dream, so I could articulate it in the way I have. Thanks for reading.